Here's the scenario: You're a huge sports fan. You define a curse not by words like "shit" or "ass" but by 1918 or 1906.
"The Babe" is not some girl you met at a bar the weekend before and "The Billy Goat" is not something that you find on an Adam Sandler CD.
ESPN.com is not only bookmarked on your Internet browser, but has been visited more times in a day than you have visited the library all year. You have more invested in who wins the MVP than who wins the presidential election.
You've skipped class on more than one occasion to see a sporting event. You've left Yom Kippur services early because you've had nosebleed seats for a Yankee playoff game (not naming any names here...). And your idea of pressure is not a final exam, but Kevin Garnett finally getting the Minnesota Timberwolves out of the first round of the NBA playoffs.
Then, you meet a guy or girl and realize that they don't know anything about sports; not even a working knowledge-I mean nothing. Michael Jordan rings a bell, but A-Rod gets no response. Shaq is recognizable only because he was in Kazaam, and Tim Duncan gets a shrug. Ray Lewis? Michael Vick? Tom Brady? Randy Moss? Nada. And they don't even know professional hockey is played in the United States.
At this point, the phrase "Houston, we have a problem" enters your head. You start to question the relationship. Sure, the conversation, dates and sex are good, but you don't really connect on "that" level. And then you come up with a plan to convert your significant other into a sports fan. But you need to be careful in planning this, or it will be like Chris Webber calling a timeout in the national championship game all over again.
The first thing to do is to make things relate to him or her. For example, when I was trying to mold my girlfriend into a Yankee fan, I went through the players and instead of using their confusing names, I used their nicknames. A-Rod, Mike "The Moose" Mussina, Hideki "Godzilla" Matsui, etc. It doesn't help to try to teach him or her the third string quarterback/catcher/goaltender. Stick with the basic players. Then, when you're watching the game with him or her, they can root for Godzilla or Jorge, instead of admiring their butts and critiquing the dirtiness of their uniform ("That's the problem with white uniforms, it shows all the dirt"). If your significant other is into the Real World, for example, you could compare Rasheed Wallace to Puck or Real World: Paris to New Jersey Devils hockey: boring, but it gets the job done.
The second thing is not to teach them anything about the draft, minor leagues and future prospects. You think they'll understand, but they won't. Trying to explain to them why trading Phillip Rivers, a third-round choice, a fifth-round choice and a first-round choice for quarterback Eli Manning is a huge risk and not a good idea. Trying to convince them that even with a Manning pedigree and the chance to get a franchise quarterback, it is not worth giving up two number one picks when the New York Giants have many more holes to fill is just going to confuse him or her more.
If you want to try to explain to them that a great defense and offensive line far outweighs a great quarterback or wide receiver, you may be OK. But don't try to qualify that by rattling off the players on the past five Super Bowl champions as proof. Trent Dilfer means as much to her as the Council of Trent means to a physics major.
The third thing is to make it a give and take relationship. I teach you the lineup for the Yankees; you teach me why my navy blue Yankees hat does not match my black turtleneck. See? We talk about sports for 30 minutes and then we can talk about why you don't like the-girl-who-you-know-and-always-runs-into-you-and-never-says-hello-and-you-think-is-ignoring-you-because-she-is-a-selfish-bitch for another 30. See? With give-and-take, everyone benefits.
This way we can watch the Yankees-Red Sox game without flipping the channels and then we watch Bend it Like Beckham or Serendipity or any-non-horror-movie-with-Freddie Prinze Jr, without me commenting on how much I want to puke.
Lastly, make it seem like it's the most important thing to you that she or he learns. A significant other will always tell you that they feel it's really important to talk or cuddle or spend more time together. You need to look into their eyes and tell them that it would mean the world to you if they could become a sports fan. How could they say no? It's not like you're looking into their eyes and telling them that it would mean the world to you to add a third partner to love-making or that you want to make a Paris Hilton-esque video tape. Even those least interested in sports, if they're really the one for you, will be more than willing to sit down and learn something about sports.
Some of you may say it can't be done. Some of you want to see my proof. Well, for you naysayers, I have accomplished the goal. I took a girl who didn't know Joe Montana from Joe Millionaire and I have converted her into a sports fan. She now wears her Matsui jersey with pride. When a "Yankees Suck" chant broke out on the T, she told everyone to shut up. And she now can watch a game with me and not only know what's going on, but maybe even enjoy herself. And so sports fans, I have the proof for you. It can be done.
So don't break up with that special someone just yet. Take my advice, give in some time, and before you know it, you will have a bonafide sports fan as a significant other.