A recent study in the United States and Canada has found that children today have more cavities than at any point in the last 40 years. Are kids just eating much more junk food than the previous generations did? Have there not been enough public service announcements warning our youth to brush at least twice daily? Are mommies and daddies not telling their offspring to floss?The answer may surprise you: no. These are not the sole causes of the increased cavity count. Another culprit? Bottled water.

It seems that bottled water is too clean. Although it lacks some harmful particles, it's also missing high levels of fluoride, which are present in tap water. Go look at your toothpaste tube; chances are, it has "with fluoride" written on it. In the 1960s, city authorities began adding this chemical, which prevents tooth decay, to tap water. According to the American Dental Association, two-thirds of the country's populace would get enough fluoride by just drinking tap water. But now that Poland Spring and Dasani have replaced tap water, kids are getting more cavities than they used to.

Does anyone else want to laugh? People drink bottled water because it's "healthier," but then they go and get more cavities than they would have if they'd stuck to tap water! I should make it clear that the bottled water does not actively cause more cavities, but combined with the infinite junk food kids eat these days, it's an aggravating factor. Not quite as funny as before, but priceless nonetheless.

I think this says something profound about our society. Namely, we are health-obsessed germophobes, culturally apprehensive of contamination. This isn't a new trend: The bottled-water phenomenon has been going on for more than 10 years-at least it has in my native Los Angeles, which is one of the most health-conscious cities in the world (how else do you explain all the wonderfully attractive people?). This new cavity development only highlights its absurdity.

Is drinking only bottled water a fad? Fads are by their very nature ridiculous (anyone remember Tamogachi and Pogs? Enough said). Why spend $1.29 on a bottle of water from Usdan when water from the soda fountain is completely free? In my book, wasting money is ridiculous. Fads spread from one geographic area to the rest of the nation. The bottled water craze started in major urban centers, where the pollution in tap water outweighed the benefits gained from fluoride; you have to be in good health (alive, even) in order to enjoy cavity-free teeth. But why should that apply to the rest of the population?

Ultimately, I cannot classify the bottled water craze as a fad; fads blaze up quickly but burn out just as fast (does anyone own a Furby any more?) Bottled water has been around for a while, and it's been extremely successful. There is even an International Bottled Water Association, for crying out loud! There certainly was not an International Tickle Me Elmo Association.

So, at the risk of sounding like Jerry Seinfeld what's the deal with bottled water? Will this new information about increased cavity rates result in a rapid reduction of bottle buying? This magic 8-ball says "doubtful." We Americans have been known to be pretty stupid about our obsessions in the past, and I see no reason for this to change.

People will continue to waste money on water whose intrinsic value is questionable, and will continue to eat too much junk food. It's almost laughable how people care so much about their health in one respect, but completely disregard it in a different area.

So drink up, everyone. You fell for the smoke-and-mirrors act propagated by the Man. Buy into the fad, waste your money and ruin your teeth. You deserve no less.

But remember to floss, brush and rinse. Or maybe just eat an apple a day. I don't care.