Names matter. A police officer and a cop are the same thing, but I've never heard someone rant about getting a ticket from an officer or call the officers "cops" to their faces. Sugarcoated words-euphemisms-detract from the reality of the world by making it more "nice." But the thing is, sometimes it isn't necessary; as they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.There's a whole slew of euphemisms employed by the Brandeis administration. Perhaps all colleges use these overly positive terms. Each is a facade, a veneer. Here are my favorite five.

The newest students at Brandeis aren't freshmen; "freshmen" don't exist here. Those few days in August before returning students move in is not called "Freshman Orientation," but "First-Year Orientation." I have a few theories to explain this name change. The word "freshman" supposedly has negative connotations, and we mustn't have those at Brandeis. Additionally, not all new students are men, and "freshpeople" sounds tacky. Lastly, not all new students came directly from high school, and apparently those who took a year (or more) off don't want to be associated with such an "immature" title. I, for one, don't see what the big deal is.

Moving on: Brandeis students who live on campus don't get to live in "dormitories"; we have the privilege of living in "residence halls." This euphemism acts as the new coat of paint that the dorms actually need. The explanation for this puppy is that students do more than sleep-"dormitory" derives from the Latin word for sleep-in these buildings, they live, nay, reside in them; hence, residence halls. Like the word "freshman," "dormitory" in the administration's book has bad connotations. I certainly wasn't aware of this before coming to Brandeis.

Now, the bottom floor of dorms, er... residence halls has a special name in Brandeis terminology. We don't call them ground floors, no, sir. Those fortunate enough to live on the zero level (because to get around elevator codes, the floors start at zero) have the pleasure of residing on the "garden level." It doesn't get more absurd-or untrue-than that.

At meal times, a food-deprived (hungry) first-year (freshman) can commence movement (walk) from the garden level (ground floor) of his residence hall (dorm) to whichever cafeteria he chooses. Wait, what's that? We don't have "cafeterias" at Brandeis? How foolish of me: We call them "dining halls" here. As if there wasn't already a trend, there's something slightly bad about cafeterias, in the administration's eye. I don't see a difference between the two, so I'm going to write off this nomenclature change as pointless-along with all the others.

Here's my final euphemism: the lofted space. Sounds good, no? Like there's some extra room? Ha. Some lucky freshmen get to enjoy not one, but two roommates in a room that only has enough space for two people. So really, you could call this room a triple. Fitting three people in a room meant for two? You must have to force them in there... Why, could it be that a "lofted space" is, in actuality, a "forced triple?" This here, my friends, is sugarcoating at its best.

To quote the stand-up comedian George Carlin, by using these euphemisms we "bullshit ourselves." These terms are only used because the words they replace supposedly have negative undertones. Quoting Mr. Carlin, this kind of language "suck[s] the life out of life." Part of the college experience is living in dorms and eating in cafeterias, and labeling the collegiate icons something else detracts from that experience.

Here's one final misnomer for you all to think about. It's actually an anti-euphemism, because it doesn't make us (or at least me) feel better. The word I'm thinking of is "midterm." At Brandeis, any, and I mean any, test taken between the start of school and the final exam is called a midterm. That can't possibly be true. "Midterm" literally comes from "MIDdle of the TERM." Any test or quiz outside of the middle of the semester is just a test or quiz. Calling a test a midterm is just going to make you stress more. Change the way you think about tests, and it will also change the way you take them for the better.