Hello — our names are Max Klein and Aaron Klein, and we are writing a column on restaurants around town. While the column may be satirical, our reviews are absolutely not. Please enjoy.

Klein: Good morning, Klein, and welcome to the third-ever Klein: Unrelated. 

Klein: So on behalf of those who aren’t in the know yet, what exactly will we be doing here? 

Klein: I’m so glad you asked! Seeing as we are two guys with the last name Klein who happen to be unrelated, it only makes sense that we start a food review section dedicated to local restaurants. 

Klein: Okay, but since we are on break this week,  how are we still doing this review?

Klein: Well, I figured we could both get the same dish from different places and try to Frankenstein our way into a combined food review of two spots. What do you think?

Klein: I think that’s a great idea!

Klein: Perfect! So, tell us all about it. Where did you go, and what did you get?

Klein: This week I went to Brook Street Bagels in New York —

Klein: Fuggedaboutit, we in New York, baby… the Big Apple!

Klein: Yes, I was back home this week. Anyway, on Thursday, I had a poppy seed bagel —

Klein: Hey, I’m walkin’ here!

Klein: Haha! As I was saying, a poppy seed bagel with a healthy schmear of cream cheese and a generous portion of lox —

Klein: Where’s the gabagool?

Klein: Are you done now?

Klein: Fine. I’m done.

Klein: Ok so … my thoughts. I really —

Klein: Start spreading the news … Alright, fine, I’m actually done now. How was your bagel?

Klein: My bagel was fine!

Klein: Oh, come on, tell me about your bagel. Look, I’m sorry. I probably won’t do it again.

Klein: Not sure I believe you, but fine. As I was saying, I really enjoyed my bagel. It wasn’t a 10 — maybe a solid 8, 8.5 — but just really solid. A time-honored classic. You know, with any bagel, you’re not trying to reinvent the wheel. You just want that recognizable taste, the fresh thick crust and the warm, doughy inside. As far as I care, you can leave your scooped, gluten-free, rainbow-flavored, hippie bagels in California.

Klein: Wow. I feel enlightened. Any other hot takes?

Klein: Yeah, actually. First, bagels should be fresh. If they’re old enough that you have to toast them, you probably shouldn’t be eating them anyway. Also, salt and blueberry bagels can go. (Get a pretzel or a muffin!)  And finally, cream cheese or butter: those are the only correct options. Get out of here with jelly and jam. And God forbid peanut butter!

Klein: Is that it?

Klein: Yes. For now. 

Klein: Aren’t you forgetting to ask how my bagel was?

Klein: Didn’t forget, chose not to. But since you seem quite eager to tell us … how was your bagel, Mr. Klein?

Klein: Don’t call me that. That’s my father’s name. Anyway, I also really enjoyed my bagel- from a bookstore, actually. I was at Politics & Prose in Washington D.C. I know, it’s very “Deisian” of me to spend my break in a bookstore.

Klein: A politics-and-poetry-themed book store at that…

Klein: Fair point. Anyway, the bagel was very good; it was crispy, with some lox on it. Overall, a positive experience and a shockingly good bagel for a bookstore.

Klein: Positive experiences all around!